Second Guessing Your Journey

At times you have to take a certain road for a destination you can’t fully see.

This past summer, we packed our car and drove across the country to the flat, green prairie lands of Texas – a place we never imagined we’d call home.

It has been an adventure, and we have met so many new people. Our world has suddenly expanded, and this is a good thing. But it has taken some time to adjust, especially for my son.

And this, my friends, breaks my heart.

One night, early on, my eleven-year-old son said to me in tears, “Mom, this will never be home.”

We were sitting there amongst boxes stacked to the ceiling and a chaos of bubble wrap. Outside the day was stifling hot and humid. Our life felt anything but in order. I felt anything but certain. Overwhelmed, I remember pushing the tears back thinking, I’m not so sure moving was such a great idea.

As you know, our lives can take some pretty surprising turns. One day, everything is as usual. Then one day, you find yourself at a fork in the road, painstakingly weighing the life you want against the one you believe God actually wants for you.

I still remember the day we decided to move to Texas. We were sitting there in our little blue house in California. “They offered me the position, and we have to decide,” my husband said. His company was offering to relocate our family to Texas that summer. I didn’t know whether to celebrate or cry!

Likely, had it just been a job relocation, we would not have considered the move. But the pastors of our congregation had just announced that they were planting a church in this very area of Texas, and they were asking individuals and families to pray about going to help support this endeavor.

We had a long talk with our kids. We talked about what it meant to serve God with our lives (however broken and imperfect) and to walk in faith (regardless how scared and insecure we might be). The consensus? No one really wanted to go. Our dear friends, our family, our comfort – everything known and loved was here and most definitely not there.

But what kind of life was a life driven by fear?

We knew God was calling us to stop looking at ourselves and to fix our eyes on Him.

And do you know what? As we sold our home and watched the movers haul our life and years of memories into their truck, I became filled with an unexplainable peace and gratitude for the totally unknown road ahead. I’m not sure how we did it, but we managed some very sad goodbyes that August morning and drove off.

So here we are.

And I can say, when God calls you, He is faithful to provide. He has been undeniably good to us these last six months. We have been given much more than we deserve.  We are slowly building community and seeing first hand how God grows His church. No Texas doesn’t feel like home … yet. But our world and our hearts, as I mentioned, are expanding. And we’re so thankful for that.

But wow, moving one’s whole family to another state takes its toll, too. Building a new life and a new community from near scratch is not easy. It can be downright exhausting. These past few months have been especially humbling and stretching for me – with waves of loneliness, homesickness, overwhelming uncertainties, bouts of insecurity, and the sobering realization that apart from Christ, my obsession with comfort and self would very much take over me.

And when my homesick son cries on my shoulders at night and says he “just wants things to be like before,” I get it. I really do.

And when my aunt is diagnosed with dementia and the family is rallying together to care for her back in California, the miles between us feel so … wrong.

I admit, at times I wish I could go back home too. At times, I question if this is truly where God wants me and my family? I question the struggle, the changes, the unknowns.

But then, I am reminded of Paul.

Not one thing was easy for this man. But that didn’t stop him. Against it all, he was obedient to God’s calling, holding firm to the hope of the gospel despite beatings, persecutions, storms, shipwrecks, martyrdom.

I won’t even pretend to relate to the obstacles Paul faced on his journeys. But he was, after all, a mere mortal man. And I wonder if he ever second guessed his journey? I wonder if he had fragile, insecure moments of wanting to go back home… you know, back to the good ol’ days of tent-making?

But this I know – in the face of deadly gales, Paul didn’t say to his men, “Let’s pack up and get out of here!” Instead, he said this, “ So take heart, men, for I have faith in God that it will be exactly as I have been told.”

So take heart, men, for I have faith in God that it will be exactly as I have been told. ~ Acts 27:25 (ESV)

The ship was going down, the men were convinced – rightly so – they were going to die, and yet these were his words to his weary wayfarers:

Take heart.

Do I hear this?

Eventually, they did find shore, and Paul was filled with the Holy Spirit and mightily effective for good. He laid hands on the sick, and they were healed. And so the journey continued… the gospel was preached, the church was built, souls were saved.

I can’t help but to think that Paul’s hardships, though horrible, did something important – humbled him to a point of complete dependence on God.

And this complete dependence on God was powerful.

This single-minded grip on the gospel’s plow is what gave him the confidence to stay the course.

Clearly, Paul had a deep, unshakeable confidence in God – not in himself and his people-skills, his perfectly laid out plans, in others and their approval, but in God alone. This is what filled him, steadied his eyes on eternity, made him so unstoppable and effective… this is why he could tell his men to take heart and do so himself despite his world crumbling down around him.

So I try to take a deep breath, and remember to be patient with my eleven-year-old, and honestly, with myself. I remember to say to him when all words fail me, “Take heart.”

God will be faithful!

Because my prayer is this, for my son, myself, for you … that we will somehow know that following God’s call, though never the most comfortable route, is always worth the journeyeven when we can’t fully see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “Second Guessing Your Journey

  1. Trust him with whatever meager pieces of the puzzle we have – so good, Kim! So often our circimstances demand that we do not lean on our own understanding.

    1. Absolutely. This is where we are! It is hard to walk the unknown. But I pray that we will keep our confidence in Him … with that nothing is impossible!

  2. Hi Kim

    What a post! So deep and full of truth. It spoke to me deeply. Life can get really hard and I need to remember to have that unshakeable confidence in God. I need to look to Him always. I needed to be reminded about Paul. He went through so much but like you rightly stated, his faith was in God. Thank you for a very timely post. Bless you…..

    Rolain

    1. Thank you Rolain! I really appreciate that you could relate to this post. I have to remind myself as well that He is my confidence . Life does get hard and so many things are simply beyond us. But we can do all things through Him if we believe! Blessings to you today.

  3. Hi Kim,
    Thank you for sharing your family’s story on its move from California to Texas. The journey is very much as important as the exact time and place of your destination. With God’s guidance, everyone will grow stronger as a result.
    Keep the faith,
    Shirlene

    1. Thank you Auntie Shirlene! I hope we will grow stronger and learn to depend on Him all the more! Looking forward to seeing you soon! ☺️

  4. With Him everything is possible. It is a huge move especially your body is not in good shape. Pray & trust Him. Meanwhile try to find joy even in the smallest thing. 🙏🏻💗

    1. Thank you for the reminder. I know everything will be okay in time. We have been blessed here in many ways. But moving is a big change for sure! Blessings to you.

  5. Kim, such a heartfelt post. Moves are never easy on children, or on their mothers. That time of transition takes far longer than disassembling the final box and toting it out to the curb for the trash an to pick up. Hearts have to be brave to make a new place home. Even though we moved when our boys were young, our youngest, now eleven still wished for “home” for years after we moved to Colorado. You are a good mom, pointing your boy to Jesus, encouraging him to take heart–to look to the Lord to help him through this current hard season.

    You guys truly took a step in big faith. I’m certain God is honoring your obedience.

    From moving mama to another: relationships and life does fall into place, in time. 🙂

    1. Thank you so very much for your words, Jeanne. I can tell that you can relate in so many ways. Moving has been quite sanctifying! There are still homesick moments. And it has been challenging still for our boy. But I do appreciate all that we are experiencing and learning. I know it will work out! By the way, Colorado is simply beautiful!

  6. Oh Kim, I have been there. My husband and I have moved cross-country twice, and our youngest was two when we made our last move. He was too young to understand, but it was still challenging for him, and for us. I know God will honor your faithfulness! Thanks for sharing.

    1. You do understand, Abby! Moving cross country twice is no easy feat. I feel for you! Life is an adventure for sure. Who knows where God will one day lead us, right? It’s an exciting yet very sobering thought! Thank you for your words here, friend!

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